Thinking About Losing Weight Again...

Things are finally starting to feel almost normal again... I'm still enjoying my "babymoon" but I'm also back in the saddle as it relates to schoolin' the kiddos, fixing dinners, and playing taxi driver. Since I'm finding my way back out of the house on a regular basis, I'm also finding that I'm rummaging through my closest for "out" clothes to wear and I'm coming up wanting everytime.

What does this mean?

Sadly, it means that I need to get back to working on my weight - losing some of it - O.K. - ALOT OF IT.

Pregnancy is the blissful excuse to not have to suck things in because there is actually a justifiable reason for abdominal growth that pushes the abdominal area outwards. Even if a woman doesn't technically have to be showing at 12 weeks, being pregnant is a nice and comforting reason for a woman to have to share with others about her little "pooch".

My blissful excuse is officially over. I mean, I've had the baby and had three months for things to shrink down a bit. The shrinking is done. Anything left to shrink will only be taken care of through self-denial and self-discipline (translated eating less and exercising more).

My sister called me tonight around 5:30 p.m. and asked me if I wanted to join her at her Weight Watcher's meeting. I told her I did not. I simply have an issue with Weight Watchers. I think the organization is great. I believe that it works and is wonderful for a lot of people to participate in - just not ME.

Why? Honestly, after a bunch of soul searching and yapping with 'ol sis, the bottom line is that I'm too proud.

You see...joining WW means that I'm admitting I need help. It means that I'm admitting that I could use assistance on this journey of mine.

I really want to lose the weight and say that I did it all by myself. I want to be able to show that I'm strong by myself and that I don't need help in order to achieve the goals that I set out for myself.

I also don't want to have to join an organization that groups me with all of the other people I've looked at from a distance and wondered why the people in that group couldn't get their act together on their own. I mean...if a person knows what to do...why don't they just DO IT? (do you feel the lack of humility here).

In reality, I should have been asking myself that same question.

Although I did drop 30 pounds before baby, when I got pregnant I had already gained about 15 of those pounds back already. 10 years ago I was able to drop 30 pounds too...I didn't keep that off either. So, clearly, although I can lose the weight, there is something faulty with my process because I can't keep it off.

Herein lies the problem. To join Weight Watchers is to admit that I have a flaw...that I have an imperfection...that I am not a force in and onto myself. Imagine that.

My sister told me that she would be at my house in 8 minutes. I still resisted her invitation. Then she offered to pay my first two weeks. I told her that I would go for the ride with no guarantees of commitment.

I got in her car and headed to the meeting, still fighting internally with whether or not I was going to actually PAY someone else for ME to lose weight. I have an issue with paying people to do what I know I'm capable of doing myself for free.

But, in the end, I did it. I joined Weight Watchers.

I've come home and spent some time pouring over my books, my points allowance, and what in the world I can eat without thinking too hard.

I've also been thinking about how my experience with this whole WW thing mirrors the reality of a lot of so-called Christ followers.

Many of us go through life, trying our best to make it. We grunt and groan, trying to carve the best slice out of life that we can. We take one step forward and then find ourselves falling two steps back. We start every New Year's with new resolutions as we write off our past mistakes and vow to do things differently in the next twelve months, only to find that twelve months later we are no better off.

We go to church every Sunday and smile in the face of those who ask us how we are doing. We answer with the typical "fine" and then head back to the very things that we came to church to get help with. We are too embarrased to ask for help. We are too self-conscious to share our struggles, We are too proud to admit that we are not as together as we would like to seem.

It's foolishness. My stupid battle with joining Weight Watchers is just as stupid as Christians who constantly live in some form of defeat simply because they won't be transparent, take off their masks, and admit their inadequacies. We refuse to let others who are either facing the same struggle or those who have experienced victory come alongside us and hold us up, hold us accountable, and hold our hands.

So I'm admitting my need for help even though it is uncomfortable, unsettling, and for me, a bit uncanny.

Where do you need help? Are your willing give a little vulnerability in order to gain some victory?

I hope so...I finally am.